i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
