and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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