I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
