He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
