Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
