I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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