I'm lost and stupid without you.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
