apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't deserve a penis
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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