I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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