Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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