I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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