Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I did not marry a roomba.
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