So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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