from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
