There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
