I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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