I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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