I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
