I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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