so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
