Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
