The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
