he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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