If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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