She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize