Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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