so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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