i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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