I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize