im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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