hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
