You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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