No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
