I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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