Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
