Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
