And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
