dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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