You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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