What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You're a waste of cheezeits
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
