So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
