I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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