I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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