Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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