never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize