Your mouth is God's brothel.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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