Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
