I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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