He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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