They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
