she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
