you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
