I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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