She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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