The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
