I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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