I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
