he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
