i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
