Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
