He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize