i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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