Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
